Tuesday, February 05, 2008

my mind's been playing tricks on me.

this morning i jerked up
from my dream.
i was panting Heavily.
and my Heartbeat was beating So furiously.
i heard it in my Ear.

What a horrible experience.
it wasnt a nightmare of anything.
it was a premonition of my Death.

i dont want to say it here cus
it wont make sense. but ohwells.
its been the SAME scene in my dream
for 2 Consecutive Nights.

gee.
i was telling my parents about it.
and my dad was just saying.
just a comment. that
i should Rem to pray especially about it
and say the sinners' prayer everynight.

i think i will.
its so scary.
and no its not the tv.
cus' i've not been watching anything scary
or Whatsoever related to my dream.

but 3 days ago my mum was just telling me
to be prepared.
she always says that.
but just that day she mentioned
about rapture and persecution after that.

it was horrible.
the feeling in the dream was as though it
was so real.
i could feel myself sweating and my heart
Pounding.

i ask myself.
am i prepared for the end of the world
or if something bad were to happen to me
and i have to meet God.
my answer will be No, i'm not.
Sigh.
i Shouldnt be so unprepared.
Why.
why dont i feel the way i should.

its not that i dont rely on God or i
dont need Him.
i DO. everyday in my life i do.
but when it comes thinking about the end,
its like i just feel i'm not ready.
i havent done the best i could nor have
i done what i should be doing.
Bringing people to to God, being in the world but
Not of it, giving a hand and helping those in need.

i dunno.
its as though at the moment
my life can be classified as unfulfilled.

maybe sometimes i just take things so easy.
take for granted.
the dreams have been making me think.
what is the life i want to live.

the song goes :
This is my Desire,
to Honour You.
Lord with all my Heart,
i worship You....

Lord i give you my Heart,
i give you my Soul,
i live for You Alone,
Every breath that i take,
every moment i'm Awake,

Lord, Have Your Way in Me.

this is submission.
this is what i live for.
this is my purpose.
this is what i want to do.

thinking about it.
its hard with all the distractions.

Pray.
Pray.
Pray.

i dont feel like sleeping now.
although i'm dreadfully tired.
i'm gonna shower.
print my notes for tmr's prac exam
which i cant study for cus'
i'm way too tired.
Hopefully i can have a gd night's rest.

actually i'm terrified.
and yes, i'm gonna pray.

ever so often will i be doing that for quite some time.